aloha nico.

I just wasted five minutes of my…

…life that I can never get back perusing a [Hometown] acquaintance’s most recent Facebook photo album, and I just have one thing to say: I have no apologies whatsoever for the elitist blast that is about to spring forth from this keyboard.

Hometown dudes who peaked in high school: Shave that shit off your face. Cut your hair. Cut it off. I mean, all of it: the neck beard, the goatee, those hideous sideburns. Trim about two inches off your scraggly mane and a good twenty pounds off your frame. Stop drinking so much shitty beer and eat real food for once. Drive to the “big city,” and purchase pants that fit, and do not, I repeat, do not, set one pinky toe within the blaring confines of an Abercrombie & Fitch or (horrors) Hollister. Take a long vacation from Aeropostale, and by vacation, I mean for the rest of your life. Take that fucking hat off indoors. Yes, your favorite ball cap. The one that says “Game Cocks” across the front in block letters and not because you give two shits about the SEC, but because you think it’s funny to wear Cocks across your forehead. Put on some goddamn shoes. Flip flops are not happening in 2009. Stop trying to make flip flops happen. Pack away the camoflage Carhaart jacket until opening day of deer season, and light a bonfire with those Doc Martens. Graduate from college. You’ve been studying that bullshit since 2003. It’s time to get a diploma and learn how to tie a bow tie. Stop looking disgusting. You look like the same underachieving schlump you were senior year, and in truth, I’m just as much to blame as you are, because I swooned over you in the cafeteria and at the post-football game keg party, and looking back, that makes me want to vom from here to our ten year reunion.

Hometown girls who hang out with these dudes: You can do better. Pack a U-Haul, kiss your parents goodbye, and drive as far away as possible.

Source: caryrandolph